Outside Looking In
by CarolinaGal08
Summary: They say getting shot in the line of duty changes your perspective. Until that moment, Sam Swarek never quite understood what "they" meant. There was no doubt in his mind that he was going to be changed by what was happening - he just wasn't sure he'd survive long enough for it to matter. Starts 4x13, based on promos.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Although I thought I'd wait until I finished my stories in other fandoms to start posting some of my Rookie Blue stories, after watching the last episode (4x12), I just had to start sharing this story that came to me. This is my first time writing for Rookie Blue - I was only a sporadic watcher in previous seasons, so I apologize if I get anything wrong in the backstory.

This story picks up in 4x13, based on the promos that have been shown (the ambulance scene, as well as the promo that showed up at the end of 4x12). I hope you all enjoy, and please let me know what you think!

* * *

Sam Swarek took a shaky breath as he held up his hand and stared at the warm, sticky substance that covered it. Somewhere in the background, he heard additional gunshots ringing out and knew his officers were busy taking down Kevin Ford. He frowned, knowing he ought to be getting up, helping his team, making himself useful…in that moment, though, all he could focus on was the deep red color that coated his hand. It wasn't the first time he'd had a gun pointed at him - hell, it wasn't even the first time he'd been shot - but as he lay on the floor and tried to move his fingers, he was struck by how different this moment felt.

"Sam? Oh God, Sam, don't move, help's on its way!"

_Andy_. He could hear her voice, feel her presence beside him, but as he turned his head toward her, he couldn't quite bring her face into focus. He started to open his mouth to say her name, but only an odd, strangled noise came out. It was as though someone had flipped a switch and sucked the oxygen out of the room, leaving him fighting for air.

"Sam, don't try to talk," Andy said, a strain in her voice that Sam knew came from struggling not to cry. "The medics are here now, they're right here. Just hold on, okay? You're going to be fine."

Sam felt someone lift his head and slip something cool under his neck - a brace, he figured - but for some reason, he couldn't seem to muster the strength to focus his eyes on anyone's face. His eyes darted around as more and more voices surrounded him, seeking out something, anything at all familiar.

As his eyes started to droop closed despite his best efforts to keep them open, he could hear Andy's desperate pleas in the background and he fought to find her face. A split second before he lost consciousness, he finally saw a clear face - only it wasn't Andy, or Marlo, or anyone he knew could actually be there at his side. Instead, the last thing Sam saw was a young, petite blond woman, hovering back in the corner, a strange glow illuminating her long hair and a soft smile gracing her face.

"Mom?"

* * *

Andy McNally felt as though her world had been flipped on its head. For the second time in less than twenty four hours, she found herself kneeling over a fellow officer, her hands covered in their blood. She'd thought watching Chloe fade had been hard, with bullets screaming past and no idea how long they'd have to wait for help to get to them safely. Even knowing that Ford was dead on the ground a few feet away from them, kneeling there and watching Sam struggle to speak or perhaps even to breath, she was sure she had never been that terrified in her life.

"Sam, don't try to talk," Andy insisted, pressing harder against his wound as a paramedic knelt down next to her. "The medics are here now, they're right here. Just hold on, okay? You're going to be fine."

Andy was shaking as the medic lifted her hands off of Sam's side and she felt Nick's hands on her shoulders pulling her up and away from him.

"Come on, Andy, let's go get you cleaned you up," he said said gently.

Andy shook her head and squirmed out of his arms. "I'm not leaving him," she insisted. "I can't leave Sam, not like this."

"Andy, the medics are doing everything they can for him," Nick assured her. "There's nothing we can do here. Let's get changed, SIU is going to want anything with blood on it. Then we can go to the hospital and check on Sam and Chloe."

"You go," Andy said, not taking her eyes off of Sam's body as the medics carefully lifted him onto a stretcher.

"Decreased bilateral breath sounds, pulse is thready and weak…somebody clear that hallway, we need to move him now!" a medic shouted.

"Andy…"

"I'm going with him," Andy called out, rushing to follow as they started to wheel Sam toward the exit.

"Officer, I don't think…" one of the medics began, looking up to catch a glare from Andy.

"You want to waste time fighting me on this?" Andy snapped, already moving to climb into the ambulance.

The medic sighed and shook his head. "You stay to the front, out of the way, and you follow all instructions. Got it?"

Andy nodded, pulling herself up into the ambulance and taking a seat near Sam's head just in time to hear him struggle to speak.

"Mo…" he gasped, his voice barely audible before his eyes shut completely.

"Sam?!" Andy called out. "Sam, say that again. Sam Swarek, don't you dare give up on me!"

As she pressed her lips to his forehead and braced herself for the ambulance to start moving, Andy couldn't stop the tears from welling up in her eyes. The only trouble was, she wasn't sure if they were a result of fearing for his life, or because she could think of only one person with an 'M' name that Sam would be asking for - and even after everything that had happened, that thought was enough to knock the wind out of her.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Wow, you all are amazing! Thank you so much for all the reviews and follows from the first chapter - my inbox has never been quite so full! I hope you all enjoy the second chapter as much as the first!

* * *

Andy let out a shaky sigh as she sat alone in an uncomfortable plastic chair against the wall in the emergency room and stared, almost stone-faced, at the trauma bay doors. It had been almost an hour since she'd watched the medics wheel Sam through those same doors. She'd practically begged to be allowed to go through with him, but to no avail. The doctors had promised to find her as soon as they had news. A nurse had shown her where to sit, and she'd been there ever since, staring and waiting.

She didn't bother looking over when she felt someone take the seat next to her, and she barely flinched when he placed a comforting hand on her forearm.

"Andy?" he prompted gently. "Any word?"

She shook her head without speaking, a bit surprised that it wasn't Nick sitting beside her.

"Nick called me as soon as SIU let him use his phone," Dov said, almost as though he could hear her thoughts. "He said he'll be here as soon as they're allowed to leave the station, but he figured you shouldn't be alone, and since I was already here…"

"How's Chloe?" Andy asked suddenly, still not taking her eyes off the doors.

Dov sighed. "Still unconscious," he said. "Her parents are here now, which is good. Gives me someone to talk to while we wait, other than her husband."

Andy turned her head to look at Dov, sure she was going to see a smirk or a gleam in his eye or some indication that he was joking to cheer her up. "Her what?"

"Yeah, that was pretty much my response when he showed up," Dov said. "And when I finally got to see her, I told her she wasn't allowed to die without waking up and explaining the whole thing to me, because it's pretty damn confusing to find out the woman you're in love with - the woman who spent weeks convincing you to go out with her in the first place - is actually married to someone else."

"I'm sorry, Dov," Andy said. "Maybe they were getting a divorce?"

"Maybe," he agreed. "But I need to hear it from her."

"At least she knows how you feel. I keep trying to remember the last thing I said to Sam," Andy said. "All I can come up with is, _I hope you know this is all your fault_. I think that might have been it. What if he dies and that's the last thing he heard from me?"

"Why would it be his fault?"

"It's a long story," Andy said reluctantly, turning her head back toward the trauma bay doors. "It'll probably be all out soon, but…"

Andy's voice stopped and she jumped to her feet, Dov close behind her, as a doctor walked through the doors, looked around briefly, and headed straight for the two still-uniformed officers.

"Are you two here for Sam Swarek?" he asked.

"Is he alright?" Andy asked anxiously. "Please tell me he's going to be alright."

"Detective Swarek took a bullet through his left ribcage," the doctor said. "He's being moved up to surgery as we speak."

"His ribcage?" Dov asked in confusion. "Why didn't his vest catch that one?"

"He'd taken it off," Andy said, looking back and forth between the doctor and Dov. "He was leaving the station, going home, when we realized Ford was inside. He just rushed out there when we heard him yelling at Nick, he wasn't even thinking about his vest. He took that bullet for Nick, Dov. He didn't even think about what he wasn't wearing. Doctor, please say he'll be okay."

"It's difficult to say much at this point," the doctor said cautiously.

"Why?" Dov asked.

"We don't really have an idea of how much damage to expect when we get into the operating room," the doctor explained. "There was no exit wound, so we have to assume the bullet is still in his body, but the amount of debris from the bullet's entrance is making it difficult to locate on imaging, or to get a clear picture of the extent of Detective Swarek's internal injuries. All I can promise you at this point is that we'll be doing everything in our power to get him through this."

"We understand," Dov said, placing a hand on Andy's arm to hold her back. "Should we wait here?"

"There's a more comfortable waiting area on the surgical floor if you'd prefer," the doctor said. "I'll have an orderly come out and bring the two of you up there. Does Detective Swarek have any family?"

"Andy?" Dov asked, looking to her for the answer.

"Um…his mother died when he was young," she said. "I don't know about his father, he's never talked about him. He, uh, he's got an older sister. Sarah. I…I don't even know where she lives."

"I'm sure we can find her number," Dov said. "I'll go over to Sam's myself and look for it if it's not already in his personnel file."

* * *

Inside the operating room, the lead surgeon had barely begun clamping the first internal bleed when an ominous alarm filled the room. "BP's dropping," a nurse announced quickly.

"Damn it," the surgeon swore under his breath. "Alright, get me some more suction in here, we've got to stop this bleeding before he goes into full arrest."

Sam could have sworn the voices grew more muffled and faded out as he opened his eyes and squinted into the bright light that was suddenly filling the room. Turning away from the glare, he felt almost dizzy when he realized he was staring at his own body on the operating table across the room.

"This isn't happening," he muttered. "This is one of those weird brain chemical things they tell you about…this isn't real."

"Is that what you'd call me? A chemical _thing_?"

Shaking his head in disbelief, Sam turned around slowly, his eyes widening at the sight of the young woman in front of him.

"Mom?" he whispered in shock. "Are you really here?"

Smiling sadly as she nodded, the woman stepped forward and slowly reached out, resting her hands on Sam's cheeks for a moment as she studied his face before wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close.

"Oh, Sammy," she sighed, holding him tightly. "I've missed you so much, darling."

"You really are here," Sam said, surprising even himself when he felt tears in his eyes. "But how? Am I…am I dead?"

Elizabeth Swarek smiled sadly as she pulled back slightly and looked at her son. "I don't know," she admitted. "Dead, dying…something along those lines."

"Well, that's a big help," Sam said drily.

"Oh don't be sarcastic, Sam, you sound like your father," Elizabeth scolded gently. "I'm doing the best I can here, this is new to me too."

Sam laughed. "I always wondered what this would feel like," he said.

"What?"

"Talking to you, hearing your voice," Sam said. "Even being scolded by you. Sarah's got some memories, but all I had of you were a couple home videos and whatever she told me."

"You were too young," Elizabeth said. "I knew when I left you wouldn't remember me. I had hoped that your father would have done more to help you know how much I loved you, but given how strained things were between us at that time, I knew that was probably not going to happen."

"I was angry at you for a long time, you know," Sam said. "I couldn't understand how you just leave us with him, how it could possibly be fair that you could just die like that and that bastard kept living."

"It wasn't fair," Elizabeth agreed. "It just…was. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it. It just happened."

"Sort of like this?" Sam asked, motioning to the operating table. "Is this something that just is what it is? I lived and now I'm going to die? Is that what this is?"

"I don't know," Elizabeth admitted. "Your heart's still beating, so I'd say you still have a choice to make, Sammy. Do you have a reason to keep fighting?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thank you again for the lovely reviews on the last chapter - I'm so glad you are all enjoying the story! As a reminder, I started writing this before last night's finale aired, so the whole thing about what Sam said to her before he was shot or what Andy said in the ambulance, that didn't happen in this story.

Someone suggested putting the parts with Sam and his mom in italics to indicate a dream...I haven't done that because I don't look at those scenes as being a dream. I can see how it could get confusing in the scenes where Sam and his mother are with other people who cannot see them, though, so for those scenes, I have put Sam and Elizabeth's portions in italics to make it clear that they are in a separate 'dimension' (probably not the exact right word to describe it) from the others. If this is more confusing, please let me know and I will fix it!

* * *

"Your heart's still beating, so I'd say you still have a choice to make, Sammy. Do you have a reason to keep fighting?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Sam asked. "Everyone has a reason to live."

"True," his mother agreed. "But not everyone has a reason to fight. They're not one and the same. You have a choice, Sammy, one that not everyone gets. You have to decide if you have something worth fighting for."

"I'm supposed to choose to live, right?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "There's no right or wrong choice here, sweetheart. If you choose to come with me, that's all you have to do. And if you choose to fight, that's your choice to make."

"Did you make a choice?" Sam asked, an accusation hanging in his voice.

"No, I didn't," she said. "But my situation was different than yours, Sam. There was no life hanging in the balance for me. I was dead the moment that other car collided with mine. There was no chance choose anything, it was out of anyone's hands at that point."

"So why do I get to choose?" Sam asked. "How is that fair? You had two kids who needed you. I don't have anyone. Why couldn't you get to choose?"

"Oh Sammy," Elizabeth sighed. "I wish I could explain it all to you. Even if I had chosen to fight, it would have been in vain. It sounds terribly cliche, but it was my time, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone left behind. And there's still a chance that it might be your time, even if you choose to fight."

"So you don't think I should fight?" Sam asked.

"I didn't say that," Elizabeth said. "I don't have the answers, Sammy. I don't know if you'll be able to fight your way back. All I know is I'm here to help you make that decision, to make sure you're thinking about everything that matters. And whatever you decide, I'm here for you."

"But if I do fight, you go away," Sam pointed out. "I'll lose you again."

Elizabeth smiled and shook her head. "You never lost me, Sam. I was always right there beside you when you needed me. Just because you couldn't see me didn't mean I wasn't there."

"How do I know you're not just trying to make me feel better?"

Elizabeth sighed and thought for a moment. "Do you remember those first nights when your father locked you out in the tool shed? I think you were seven the first time. Do you remember how you'd sit in the corner and cry because you were afraid of the dark?"

Sam's eyes widened as he realized what she was getting at. "The dreams," he said in surprise. "I used to close my eyes and dream that you were sitting next to me, holding my hand and singing to me. Those weren't dreams, were they?"

Elizabeth smiled. "No, sweetheart, they weren't dreams. Whatever you decide, I'll be a part of your life forever, Sam, even if you don't always know it. And whenever the time comes, whether it's today or tomorrow or fifty years from now, I'll be here waiting for you. Don't let me be your deciding factor. You need to decide for yourself what you have to fight for, and you have to believe with all your heart that it's worth the fight."

"I don't know what that would be," Sam admitted. "I've screwed up so much in my life, Mom. What exactly would I be fighting to go back to?"

"Now that I can help you with," Elizabeth said, smiling as she held out her hand to her son. "Come on, there's some people you should see."

* * *

_Sam shook his head and slowed his pace as his mother led him toward a small room at the other end of the surgical floor._

_"Sammy?" Elizabeth asked in confusion. "Are you coming?"_

_"I don't need to see this," he said. "I don't need to see her."_

_Elizabeth frowned and arched an eyebrow skeptically. "I think you do," she said. "Come on, you have something better to do?"_

_Sam sighed and shrugged reluctantly, following her through the door. Across the room, Andy sat alone, her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Behind him, Sam heard the door open and felt someone walk right through where he was standing._

Stepping into the room, Dov paused momentarily and looked around, getting the strange sensation that someone else was there. Shrugging it off as exhaustion, he continued across the room and took a seat next to Andy, handing her one of the two coffees in his hands when she finally lifted her head.

"I spoke to Frank," he said. "They've finally released everyone. They should be here soon."

"Whatever," Andy muttered. "They can't do anything here anyway."

Dov sighed and nodded. "He also said he pulled Sam's personnel file to call his emergency contacts. He left a message at the number Sam gave for Sarah, but he said the guy he talked to said he hadn't seen her in a few months. He's going to try to get a message to her, but who knows?"

_"She called me last week," Sam said, turning to his mother. "I didn't talk to her, she left a message. I was going to call her back, but with everything going on with Marlo, I guess…I don't know, I just forgot. She sounded upset."_

_"Your sister's alright," Elizabeth assured him. "She's going through some things right now, but she'll come out of it alright."_

_"Things?" Sam asked. "She's not…"_

_"No," Elizabeth said quickly. "She's not using again, Sam. She hasn't done that since…since that night."_

_"You know about that?" Sam asked in confusion._

_Elizabeth nodded. "I was there with her that night, just like I'm here with you now, and I stayed with her until she made her decision and she fought."_

_"She got a choice?" Sam asked incredulously. "She'd already made her choice, Mom. She didn't get shot or hit by a car or struck down by something outside of her control…she gave up and shot herself full of heroin and God-knows-what-else. She gave up."_

_"For a moment, yes, she did," Elizabeth agreed. "But when she had to make the choice again, she chose to fight."_

_"Why?" Sam asked angrily. "Why did she choose to fight?"_

_"Her reasons will not be your reasons, Sammy, you can't depend on that to make your decision," Elizabeth said._

_"Why not?" Sam asked. "If it was a good enough reason to get Sarah to fight, why not me?"_

_Elizabeth sighed. "Because it's something she lost sight of in the midst of all her pain," she said. "She lost sight of the one good thing in her life, the one thing that had kept her going for years before she pushed it away. And when we were together, she saw that again and it spurred her to fight."_

_"What was it?"_

_"You," Elizabeth said simply. "Your sister chose to fight because you loved her."_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** This one's a little bit longer than usual, but I was on a bit of a roll and I didn't want to leave you all with a major cliffhanger!

* * *

"Hey," Nick said quietly, handing Andy a cup of coffee as he sat down next to her.

"Hey," Andy repeated, nodding slightly as she looked up at him. "When did you get here?"

"Just now," he said. "I drove a little faster than the others, they should be right behind me. Where's Dov?"

"He went upstairs to check on Chloe," Andy said. "Have you, uh, have you seen Oliver yet?"

Nick shook his head. "But he's fine, Andy…some minor cuts and bruises, a mild concussion, nothing too serious. I think Celery's with him now. They're keeping him overnight for observation, but he's going to be alright."

Andy nodded silently, staring numbly down at the coffee in her hands and letting out a sigh.

"Has there been any word on Sam?" Nick asked gently.

"He's in surgery, that's all I know," Andy said, not taking her eyes off of her coffee. "He was unconscious the whole ride over. The doctor seemed worried, but they haven't said anything since he went into surgery an hour ago."

"An hour's not that long," Nick said. "He'll pull through. You know Swarek, he's too stubborn to let some loser like Kevin Ford be what takes him out."

_"What the hell is that supposed to mean, Collins?" Sam asked impatiently, shaking his head from where he stood unseen, just a few feet from Nick and Andy, something between a grimace and a glare settling on his face as he watched the pair._

_"He's just trying to make her feel better," Elizabeth pointed out._

_"Yeah, well that's not going to do it for McNally," Sam said. "She doesn't do cliche crap like that."_

Andy frowned and looked over at Nick. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asked skeptically. "That there'll be some black mark on his legacy if he doesn't make it? That there'd be more dignity in it if he'd been shot by some hardened criminal? Damn it, he took that bullet for you, Nick."

"I didn't mean it that way, Andy," Nick said, placing his on hers and trying to mask the hurt when she pulled away. "Andy…"

"I can't," she said, her voice shaking. "I can't do this, Nick. I'm sorry, I can't…"

Nick sighed and nodded. "You're still in love with him," he said knowingly.

"I…I tried not to be," Andy said. "Nick, I really tried, I…I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Nick said quickly, shaking his head. "There's plenty of time for me and you to feel hurt or angry or guilty or whatever, but this isn't it. He needs you right now."

"And I need him," Andy admitted.

"I know," Nick said, looking up as the door opened and Traci and Steve entered the room, holding back a bit to give the pair the space they seemed to need. "I think maybe I always knew. I, uh…you won't blame me if I don't sit in here, though?"

Andy shook her head. "No," she said quietly. "You can go."

* * *

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this," Sam said, running his hands through his hair in frustration, turning away as Traci wrapped her arms around Andy and held her close. "She was happy with him. He was good for her…way better than I ever was. He was never going to screw things up like I did."

"Sometimes the safe choice isn't always the right choice," Elizabeth said. "It's very easy to get them confused when you're angry or you've been hurt by someone. You look for an answer someplace you know you're not going to get hurt…and then sometimes it takes a horrible situation to open your eyes."

"She shouldn't have let him go," Sam insisted. "I could still die. You said that, even if I fight, I might still die. She shouldn't have let him go."

"You dying isn't going to change the way that woman feels about you, Sam," his mother pointed out. "You don't just fall out of love with someone because they're not there. She's always going to love you, Sam."

"I told her I screwed up," Sam admitted. "The last thing I said to her was that it was all my fault. I told her I was going to leave because I wanted her to be happy, even if it was with him."

Elizabeth sighed and shook her head sadly.

"What?" Sam asked, narrowing his eyes as he looked at her. "And don't say 'nothing,' because you have that same look Sarah always gets when I said something she doesn't like."

"It's not that, really," Elizabeth assured him. "It's just…well, I don't think I realized how difficult it was for you to acknowledge that someone could actually be happy with you. That _you_ could be good enough for someone."

"What are you talking about?"

"When things get hard, you blame yourself," Elizabeth said. "You always make it your fault and then you add it to whatever mental list you're keeping of reasons why no one should be in a relationship with you."

"Well, I don't exactly have the best track record, do I?" Sam countered. "Do we really need to run through the list of every woman who's ever been hurt while I was around? Because it starts with you."

"Sammy, you were nine months old when we were in that car wreck," Elizabeth said. "How could you possibly think that that had anything to do with you?"

"You wouldn't have been in that car if it weren't for me," Sam said. "I know you were taking me to the doctor that day, that's why we were out of the house. If it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have been on the road and that other driver would have hit a tree or someone else or something…and you'd still be alive."

Elizabeth closed her eyes and shook her head. "Sam, just because your father said something in anger, doesn't make it true."

"How do you know he said it?"

"Because I can't think of anyone else in your life who would say something that cruel to a child," she said. "It was not your fault, Sam. You had nothing to do with what happened to me, or to Sarah…there is _nothing_ wrong with you."

"Sure doesn't feel that way," Sam said. "What's the point of fighting to live if everybody I love ends up getting hurt at some point? I don't…"

Elizabeth frowned as Sam paused suddenly. "Sammy?" she asked nervously. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure," Sam said slowly, looking around the room as though he couldn't quite figure out where he was. "I feel…odd."

_Charge to 300! Clear!_

Tears filled Elizabeth's eyes as she looked at her son, knowing the second she heard the voice in the background, pulling them back to the operating room, exactly what was happening.

"Keep fighting, Sammy," she whispered, holding out her hand as he disappeared from view. "Don't give up now."

* * *

Half an hour later, a somber-looking surgeon stepped into the now-crowded surgical waiting room and looked around, trying to distinguish who he should be talking to.

"Family of Sam Swarek?" he asked cautiously.

"We're his family," Andy said, standing up quickly before anyone could object to her statement. "Is he alright?"

"He's alive," the surgeon said hesitantly. "At this point, that's a miracle in and of itself. His condition is still extremely critical, though. The bullet caused heavy internal damage."

"Can't you fix it?" Andy asked.

"We've done the best we can for now," the surgeon said. "Detective Swarek lost a significant quantity of blood today. We contained as much of the bleeding as we could while we were in there, but we weren't able to do much more."

"I don't understand," Andy said. "What does that mean? What more did you need to do?"

"We haven't been able to remove the bullet, and there's still a possibility that there's additional damage that will need repair," the surgeon said.

"So why did you stop?" Andy asked, her voice shaking as tears welled up in her eyes. "Why the hell are you just standing here? Get back in there and fix him!"

"Andy, sweetie, breathe," Traci said gently, putting her arm around her shoulders. "I'm sure they're doing everything they can."

"No, they're not!" Andy insisted frantically. "Didn't you hear him? They stopped, they just stopped…why aren't they in there fixing him?"

"Officer, I understand this is a very difficult situation," the surgeon said. "Detective Swarek's heart stopped twice in the two hours we had him on the operating table. At this point, we're trying to manage a very delicate balance. His condition is too unstable to handle additional surgery right now, so we've got him sedated and we're hoping to allow him to recover a bit of strength before we take him back into surgery."

"And there's no danger from leaving the bullet in him?" Gail asked from her spot just behind Traci.

The surgeon sighed and shook his head. "That's the delicate balance that I referred to earlier," he explained. "We're monitoring his condition closely, trying to weigh the dangers of surgery and the dangers of allowing whatever internal damage there is to go unrepaired. Right now, our team feels that Detective Swarek simply can't handle the stress of additional time in surgery, and that outweighs the dangers of not operating. As I said, we'll continue to monitor him closely, and we'll reevaluate in the morning."

"Can I see him?" Andy asked.

"I'm afraid not," the surgeon said. "In order to monitor him, we're keeping him in a recovery room, and that's medical personnel only. If his condition stabilizes overnight, there's a possibility we might be able to let one of you up to see him in the morning. Until then, I'd recommend that you all go home and get some rest…the next few days are going to be difficult."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** I can't guarantee that the chapters will continue to be posted at such a steady clip...but I'm on a roll right now with the writing, and as long as that continues, I'll keep posting them when I can. I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

Just as a warning...there's a tiny bit of swearing near the end of the chapter. I try to avoid that if I can, but given the characters and situation, it seemed unavoidable in this case.

* * *

Andy was shaking the next morning as a nurse led her down the hall and into the ICU room where Sam lay unconscious. Most of the officers from 15 Division had slowly trickled out as the night wore on, although she suspected there must be some sort of unspoken schedule, as she was never without at least two companions. She'd ignored the doctor's advice, and the pleas from her colleagues, and refused to leave the hospital overnight, even for a second. She couldn't imagine how she'd feel if she left and something happened - somehow, it just seemed easier for her to believe that he was still alright if she was at least in the same building as him.

"I'll give you a few minutes, then I'll be back to check on him," the nurse said, patting Andy's arm gently before stepping out into the hall, leaving Andy standing nervously at Sam's side.

"So, uh, I think we need to talk," Andy said, pulling up a chair next to the bed and taking his hand. "Okay, I need to talk. You just lie there and get better. But I need to talk, because if I don't all I hear is these machines beeping and that kind of freaks me out.

"You know, I think I actually fell asleep in one of those God awful hospital chairs last night. I didn't think I would, I wanted to be awake in case something happened. But I'm pretty sure I fell asleep, because I had this dream. I've had it before, you know. A lot lately, actually. It was…it was just a normal night, and we were lying in bed. And my stomach was hurting from laughing because you'd been teasing me about something, I can't even remember what. I must have fallen asleep or something, because all of a sudden I was having this, this really terrible dream. And I couldn't stop crying. I was crying and…you weren't even really awake. I remember you grabbed me and you were just holding me so tight all of a sudden. You said, 'I'm right here. I'm gonna hold onto you and I'm never gonna let you go.' Right then, I knew that I would never feel more loved or more known."

_"I remember that night," Sam said quietly, sitting on the windowsill across the room. "Couldn't figure out why the hell she was crying. I just wanted to make it right for her."_

_"She loves you," Elizabeth observed. "And feeling like someone really knows you…that's important."_

_"I know her because she let me," Sam said. "But I never let her know me, though. I shut her out. I shut everyone out. I told Marlo I don't want to wake up one day and realize no one knows me, but that's exactly what's happened. No one knows me."_

"You, uh, you probably think that's stupid," Andy continued. "It's not even really a good story, but it's what's on my mind. I love you, Sam. I love you, so you have to come back to me. You don't get to tell me it's all your fault and not give me a chance to tell you how stupid that is. There's too much blame, Sam, there's enough fault to bury us forever, but I don't care about any of that. I love you, Sam, and I really think you love me too. That's it, that's the only part that matters…I love you."

_Sam felt his heart ache as Andy bowed her head and started to cry again. Standing up, he crossed the room and sat down on the side of the bed near her, reaching out and cupping her cheek with his hand, brushing at her tears with his thumb despite the fact that he knew it would accomplish nothing._

Without knowing why, Andy gasped at a sudden feeling of closeness, releasing her hold on Sam's hand and bringing her own hand up to her cheek, looking cautiously around the room before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Come back to me, Sam," she whispered, not really knowing why - or to whom - she was saying it. "Come back to me."

* * *

Andy wasn't even halfway down the hall when she heard the yelling coming from the waiting room. Quickening her pace, she looked at Chris in confusion when she stepped into the room and saw Frank trying to calm an enraged older man.

Chris shrugged. "Don't ask me," he said. "Old man claims he's Sam's father."

"His father?" Andy asked skeptically, turning to get a better look at the man. She frowned as she started to notice the similarities - same build, same chin, even the same eyes. She couldn't believe it hadn't struck her at first glance, but the man was very much an older version of the man she'd just seen in the hospital bed.

"Apparently Frank released Sam's name to the media late last night," Chris said. "He hadn't had any luck reaching his sister, so he thought maybe she'd see the news and come on her own. There's still no word from Sarah, but now we have Peter Swarek raising hell and demanding to know why no one called him."

_"Maybe because he's a jackass that no one wants around," Sam muttered, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked across the room to where his father was berating Frank. "You hear that old man? I don't want you here!"_

_"Sam, don't waste your time," Elizabeth cautioned. "He can't hear you, and even if he could, you and I both know your father doesn't care what anyone else wants or thinks."_

_"Why the hell did you marry him, anyway?" Sam asked._

_"I was young and stupid," Elizabeth said. "I was nineteen and thought I was in love. And by the time I realized that what we had wasn't love, I had two children to think about."_

"Have you ever met him?" Chris asked curiously.

Andy shook her head. "Sam never, ever talked about his father," she said. "I kind of thought he might be dead, to be honest."

"And why the hell should my son talk to you about his family?"

Andy silently scolded herself for not noticing that the older man had stopped yelling at Frank and turned in her direction.

"Mr. Swarek, I don't think you've met Officer McNally," Frank said, stepping between the two. "Sam was Officer McNally's training officer a few years back. She was with him when he was shot yesterday."

"Shoulda known there'd be a girl behind it," Peter said bitterly. "Every stupid thing that boy ever did was because of some dumb broad."

"Mr. Swarek, I don't think there's any blame to be placed here except on the man who shot your son," Frank said. "Right now, I think we just need to focus on Sam."

"I want to see my boy," Peter said. "Where is he?"

"They're running tests right now," Andy said. "You can't see him."

"When he's done, then," Peter said. "I'll see him then."

"When was the last time you saw him?" Andy asked, feeling oddly defensive in the face of this man she knew nothing about.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Andy said defiantly. "When was the last time you even saw him?"

"I don't have to answer to some stupid bitch," Peter snapped. "He's my son."

"That's enough," Frank said, turning toward Peter. "If you want to be here, you're going to have to bite your tongue and show respect for my officers, for the people your son spends his time with."

"I don't…"

Peter's retort was cut off as the door opened and Sam's doctor stepped into the room.

"Dr. Mitchell, how is he?" Andy asked anxiously.

"It's not good," the doctor admitted. "I'm afraid the latest scans show that bullet is beginning to move, which means Sam is at a high risk of additional internal bleeding."

"So you're going to operate?" Frank asked.

"We'd like to," he said. "But there are significant risks. His blood counts are still low, despite transfusions, and his cardiac activity concerns me. It's hard to predict whether his body would be able to survive another surgery."

"But you have to try," Chris said. "Don't you?"

"As I said, this procedure carries a high level of risk," Dr. Mitchell said. "In order to operate, we'll need consent."

"Well you don't have it," Peter said. "If the boy was stupid enough to get himself shot, he'll have to deal with it."

Andy stared at him, her mouth half-open in horror at his thought process.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Dr. Mitchell asked.

"I'm his father," Peter said. "And that means I'm his next of kin, which makes this my decision, right?"

Dr. Mitchell nodded. "Typically, next of kin is a parent unless the patient is married."

"He's not," Peter said. "So that means you won't be cutting my boy open again."

"You have to let them operate," Andy said, desperation in her tone. "Don't you understand? He'll die if you don't give consent!"

"The boy's going to die anyway," Peter said. "He never enough fight in him to be a man, not really."

_"That son of a…"_

_"Language, Sammy," Elizabeth cautioned._

_"It's not his decision," Sam said. "He doesn't get to call the shots here, I made sure of that."_

"Mr. Swarek, I know you're concerned," Frank said. "But I really think…"

"I really think I don't give a damn what any of you think," Peter said, with what Andy could have sworn was a smirk on his face. "He's my son, which makes this _my_ decision."

"Not if I have anything to do with it, you sorry son of a bitch."

Andy frowned as she turned toward the unexpected voice at the door. "Marlo?"


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Again, thank you all for the reviews - I love hearing from so many of you who are enjoying this story!

I also wanted to clarify something that a couple people commented on - an emergency contact is NOT the same as a medical proxy/medical power of attorney. You can list whoever you want as an emergency contact, but all that means is that if something happens, your work (or whoever you filed the contact form with) can call that person and tell them what happened. It doesn't give them any legal authority to make decisions on your behalf - that's still your next of kin, unless you have a legal advance health care directive naming someone else. So no matter who Sam's emergency contacts are, his next of kin would still be the one making decisions. Unless, of course, he happened to have a handy-dandy advance health care directive lying around somewhere (wink, wink)...

* * *

"Officer Cruz, do you know something the rest of us don't?" Frank asked curiously as Marlo stepped into the room, a thick manila folder clutched tightly in one hand.

"Yes, sir," Marlo said. "I know Sam hated this man, and I know that there is no way he would have wanted him to be making decisions for him."

"You don't know anything about my son or my relationship with him," Peter retorted.

Marlo shook her head. "I know that there was no relationship," she said. "I know that you kicked him out onto the streets when he was sixteen, and he hasn't seen or spoken to you since that day. I really don't think he'd want you here."

"Nobody cares what you think," Peter said.

"I do," Andy said. "You kicked him out when he was sixteen? Did you even bother to find out if he was okay? What happened to him after that?"

"You weren't there, you don't get to question my parenting decisions," Peter said defensively. "The boy was trouble. He needed to straighten up, and obviously it worked. Now, I don't think I want all of you around my son. I think you should leave."

"Again, I don't think that's your decision," Marlo said, reaching into the folder she was carrying and pulling out a few pages, which she handed to the doctor. "Sam has an advance health care directive. He assigned medical power of attorney to someone else if he's ever unable to make his own decisions."

_"You did that?" Elizabeth asked in surprise, turning to Sam._

_Sam shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm not some naive rookie, Mom, I know my job is dangerous," he said. "I would never trust Dad to make the decision that I'd have wanted - hell, he'd probably make the opposite ones just to spite me. And I could never put that kind of stress on Sarah, she couldn't handle it."_

_"I don't think you give your sister enough credit, Sam," Elizabeth said. "She's holding it together."_

_"And I won't be the reason she breaks," Sam countered. "Besides, you know we're not all that close. First the drugs, and then the boyfriends, and now the awful husband…Sarah's decision-making skills aren't exactly top-notch."_

_"Your sister has made some, well, questionable choices," Elizabeth agreed. "So who did you pick?"_

_"The only person who comes even close to knowing me well enough," Sam said._

"Well, these appear to be original, notarized documents," Dr. Mitchell agreed, looking up from the papers. "I'm sorry, Mr. Swarek, it appears that your son has made his preference clear and legal. Officer McNally, it seems Detective Swarek wanted this to be your decision.

"Me?" Andy asked in shock. "Are you sure?"

"You are Andrea McNally, aren't you?" Dr. Mitchell asked, waiting until Andy nodded. "Then yes, I'm sure. It's all here, if you'd like to review the paperwork."

_"I thought you said she didn't know you," Elizabeth said, smiling as she looked at Sam._

_Sam looked away and shrugged. "What can I say? I never let her in, but she got through somehow," he said. "There's a lot she doesn't know and a lot she doesn't understand, but I never doubted that when it comes to what's important, Andy knows me better than anyone else."_

"This is bull!" Peter exclaimed. "That boy…that boy never had the respect he ought to have had. Why, I ought to…"

"What?" Marlo interrupted. "Lock him in the tool shed again? Break his arm? Kick him out of the house? What could you possibly do that could top what you already did to him?"

"You little…"

Peter didn't get another word, as both Chris and Frank stepped forward to restrain him as he lunged at Marlo, who merely crossed her arms over her chest and stared defiantly at the old man.

"Alright, that's enough," Frank insisted, grabbing Peter's upper arm and pushing him toward the door. "Diaz, let's take Mr. Swarek here for a little walk."

"Officer McNally, I know this is probably a lot to take in," Dr. Mitchell said. "If you need a minute…"

Andy shook her head. "No, I'm okay," she assured her. "Talk to me about the surgery. What happens if he doesn't have it?"

"It's not so much a question of if he has it, so much as it's a question of when he has it," Dr. Mitchell said. "The bullet has to be removed at some point. Right now, Detective Swarek's body is still no where near as recovered as I would have liked. His cardiac activity still shows remnants of the effects of the defibrillation in the last surgery and…"

"The what?" Andy interrupted. "His heart stopped?"

"I'm sorry, I thought you knew," the doctor said. "There was an incident during his first surgery, yes."

"Oh God," Andy muttered, her hand covering her mouth as she sank down into a chair, Marlo taking the seat next to her and putting her hand on her shoulder.

"Can he survive the surgery?" Marlo asked.

"I can't make any promises," Dr. Mitchell said. "But our latest images show that the bullet has shifted slightly. If we don't operate now, there's a danger that it will continue shifting."

"What would happen if it does move?" Marlo asked. "What kind of dangers are we talking about?"

"It's hard to say exactly which direction it would shift," Dr. Mitchell said. "If it breaks away with the right velocity and in the right direction, it could puncture his lung, hit an artery, cause spinal cord damage…it's all speculation at this point, but there if it breaks away before we have a chance to operate, I'd say paralysis would be a best case scenario."

"So if the bullet moves…"

"Not if," Dr. Mitchell interrupted. "It's in an unstable position, so it's only a matter of time until it moves. We can wait until he's stronger, that's up to Officer McNally, but the longer we wait, the great the risk that bullet moves before we get in there and we lose our opportunity to prevent further damage."

"Andy?" Marlo asked gently.

"I don't know," Andy said, shaking her head. "I don't know. What do you think?"

"It's not my decision, McNally," Marlo said sadly. "Sam trusted _you_. Listen to your heart. You know what to do."

_"Do it, Andy," Sam whispered, kneeling down next to her. "I want to fight. Give me the chance to fight, Andy. Let them give me the chance."_

Andy nodded slowly. "Do it," she whispered. "Sam would want the surgery. Do it now."

"I'll go get the consent paperwork," Dr. Mitchell said, turning and leaving the two women alone in the waiting room.

"Marlo, I'm sorry," Andy said, looking down at her shaking hands. "I didn't know he had that paperwork done, it was probably before he even met you and…"

Marlo shook her head and put her hand on top of Andy's. "It's okay, Andy," she said. "I know he loves you. It's always been you. I'm not blind."

"I think he was asking for you," Andy said. "Right before he lost consciousness…I think he said your name."

Marlo sighed and hesitated for a moment. "Andy, I'm leaving," she said eventually, earning a confused stare from Andy. "My sister's got a friend in Montreal who's going to let me stay with her for a little while. They're not going to let me back on the force after this. I need time to figure out what I do next."

"But your psychiatrist is here," Andy pointed out. "And Sam's here."

"Before any of this happened, Sam and I had already agreed to take a break while I sorted things out," Marlo said. "And they have psychiatrists in Montreal too. It's just for a while, but I…I'm leaving tonight."

"What about Sam?"

"Sam has you," Marlo said. "No matter what he said when he was shot, he loves you. I kind of thought if we ignored it long enough, he might stop, but it doesn't work like that. It's the same reason you and Collins were never going to work. Doesn't matter how crazy he is about you, or how angry you were at Sam, you still love him. You can't force yourself to stop loving someone."

"But you love him too," Andy pointed out.

"Yeah, that's the kicker, isn't it?" Marlo asked with a dry laugh. "I don't know, maybe I don't even really know what love is. My emotions are so regulated, half the time I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship, I don't know."

"He told you things he never told me," Andy said. "He never once talked about his father with me. He clearly trusted you, Marlo. Hell, you're the one who had his medical paperwork."

Marlo shook her head. "I didn't have it, Andy, I found it at his apartment a few months ago," she said. "He had this envelope in his sock drawer and when I asked about it, he said it was everything someone would need if he got injured or killed on the job. I was driving around this morning, trying to clear my head, and I remembered it. I figured it might be important…and I guess it was."

"Was that the only thing in there?"

"It also had his will, a couple letters to people he cared about, things like that," Marlo said. "I left them there, because those were for if he died, and he's not going to die, McNally. He's strong. He'll pull through."

"I hope you're right," Andy said. "I really hope you're right."

"Can you do me a favor?" Marlo asked, standing up and turning back to Andy, who looked up at her questioningly.

"What?"

Marlo reached into her bag, pulling out an envelope and holding it out to Andy. "Give this to Sam when he wakes up. Please?"

"Marlo…"

"I know I'm running away," she said. "But I can't be here, Andy. I can't do this anymore. Please, will you just give it to Sam?"

Andy nodded as she took the envelope from Marlo's hand. "Yeah, I can do that," she agreed reluctantly.

"Good." Marlo hesitated as she prepared to leave. "Hey, McNally?"

Andy looked up as Marlo paused in the doorway and turned her head back toward her. "Yeah?"

"Don't screw it up this time."


	7. Chapter 7

An hour or so later, Andy looked up as the door opened again and Traci walked in with two coffees in her hands. Groaning, Andy shook her head vigorously.

"Oh God, no more coffee," she pleaded. "I swear, every person who walks through that door who isn't a doctor has been plying me with coffee and if I so much as smell another cup, I'm not going to sleep again until I'm eighty."

Traci laughed and set the cups on a table across the room before coming over to take a seat next to Andy. "Alright, no coffee for you," she said. "So…did they let you see him?"

Andy nodded. "It was awful, Traci," she admitted. "I wanted so badly to see him, but once I was in there…it was just awful. There were so many machines and tubes and he was so pale. I had to hold his hand and feel that he was warm just to convince myself he was still there. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that the man in that hospital bed is the same man I having some stupid argument with not even twenty-four hours ago."

"What were you two fighting about this time?"

"He told me everything that happened with us was his fault, that he'd screwed up," Andy said. "And then he said he wanted me to be happy, even if that wasn't with him, and he told me I was happy with Nick, so he was walking away."

"Walking away?" Traci asked. "What does that mean?"

"Damned if I know. That's what I was trying to ask him when I chased him out into the parking lot and we found Oliver's squad," Andy said. "I never got a chance to force an explanation out of him, and he never let me tell him how stupid he was being. I mean, there's more than enough blame to go around in our relationship. He doesn't get to just take all the blame for himself and then die on me, Traci. That's not fair."

Traci frowned, not completely following Andy's logic, but not wanting to question her too much either. "Sam's not going to die," she said. "He's going to be fine, Andy. He's going to be just fine."

"Everyone keeps saying that, but you didn't see him, Traci," Andy said. "Everyone keeps telling me he's strong, that he'll pull through, that he's a fighter…"

"That's all true, Andy," Traci pointed out.

"Maybe so," Andy agreed. "But you of all people should know that even the strongest men fall sometimes."

Traci nodded and sighed, trying not focus on the image that flashed into her mind of Andy's face when they'd stood down in the ER a little over a year ago and Andy had managed to tell her without ever speaking the words that Jerry was gone. Yes, Traci knew all too well how terribly wrong everything could go.

"I have to believe it, Andy," Traci said. "I know it seems like I shouldn't, but I have to believe he's going to be okay."

"Why?"

"Because the alternative is something I can't face. You're my best friend, Andy, and the thought of you losing Sam the way I lost Jerry, of having to stand there and watch them put him in the ground, probably a few plots away from Jerry…the thought of you feeling what I've been feeling for the last year…that's too much to even think about, Andy, so I can't go there, not unless we have to," Traci said, pausing and looking over at Andy before continuing. "Besides, I only _just_ got used to Swarek's God-awful filing system, and I do not have the patience to learn anybody else's."

* * *

_Sam frowned as he looked around the OR, once again taking in the harsh lights and the beeps of the machines monitoring his every bodily function and the forced calm of the surgeons' voices._

_"I don't understand," he said in confusion. "Why am I still here? I made my choice, I want to fight!"_

_"And I warned you that that's only part of what has to happen," Elizabeth said gently, placing her hand on his forearm. "Sammy, it's not over yet, but you have to understand that this isn't as simple as snapping your fingers and suddenly you're fine."_

_"Then what's been the point of this whole song and dance we've been doing all night?" Sam asked._

_"Finding a reason to fight gives you a chance, Sam, but I told you it wasn't a guarantee," Elizabeth said._

"And there it is," Dr. Mitchell declared across the room, cracking the slightest of smiles beneath his surgical mask as he withdrew the surgical forceps from Sam's chest and dropped the bullet into a pan a nurse was holding. "Have that bagged and sent over to the police forensics department, they've already asked for it for their case file."

_"That's good, right?" Sam asked. "The bullet's out, that's a good sign."_

_"I certainly hope so," Elizabeth said. "Right now, all we can do is wait."_

_"That's it?" Sam asked impatiently. "There's nothing else?"_

_"Patience isn't a bad thing, sweetheart," Elizabeth said. "And if you feel yourself being pulled away, you fight like hell, Sammy. You focus on why you want to be here, on why you want to keep living, and you fight like hell against the pull."_

_"How long does it take?" Sam asked. "With Sarah, how long did it take?"_

_"Do you remember how long it was from the time you brought to the hospital to the time she woke up?"_

_Sam nodded, shuddering as he thought back to the awful night he'd dropped by his sister's place and discovered her passed out on the living room floor, barely breathing, the needle she'd used to try to end her life still clutched in her hand. "Mom, it took Sarah four days to wake up," he said. "Are you saying it could take that long?"_

_"Or longer," Elizabeth admitted. "I don't have the power to see the future, Sam. This could be over before I even finish this sentence, or it could be days or even weeks before we know if fighting was enough."_

_"I don't suppose now would be the time to point out that patience has never been my strong suit," Sam said._

_Elizabeth laughed and shook her head. "Oh, don't worry, I…"_

_"What?" Sam asked anxiously, noting the sudden look of surprise on his mother's face as her voice trailed off and she grabbed his arm._

_"Do you feel that?" Elizabeth asked, smiling softly as Sam shook his head in confusion. "She's here, Sammy."_

* * *

"I had to give them permission for the surgery," Andy continued. "Can you believe that? After everything that's happened, he still had me as his medical power of attorney. I guess it's a good thing, because until Marlo showed up with the paperwork, his father was prepared to just let him die."

"Wait, Sam's father was here?" Traci asked in surprise. "And, I'm sorry, did you say Marlo had the paperwork?"

"She found it," Andy said. "Stopped by to drop it off a little while ago. Left him a dear John letter while she was at it."

"Seriously?"

"I kind of feel bad for her," Andy admitted. "She fell in love with him, and she screwed it all up. I know a thing or two about traveling down that road."

"Except she didn't just screw a relationship, Andy," Traci pointed out. "She broke every rule in the book, effectively destroyed her career, and essentially created a situation that put Oliver's life in jeopardy and landed Chloe and Sam in the hospital fighting for their lives."

"I didn't say I agreed with she did," Andy said. "I just said I feel kind of sorry for her. Anyway, she said she's going to Montreal, so she's kind of a moot point now."

"Alright," Traci agreed, sensing that Andy wanted to drop the subject. "So what was Sam's dad like?"

Andy hesitated for a second. "He looks a lot like an older version of Sam," she said. "But he's nothing like Sam. Picture the biggest jackass you've ever met, and then imagine someone worse than that, and you might get Peter Swarek."

"He was really that bad?"

"Worse," Andy said. "I don't even know how to describe him. I kind of get why Sam never talks about him. I mean, my dad has his issues, but I know he loves me and he'd never, ever hurt me, not on purpose. I don't know what Sam's childhood was like, but I get the impression that wasn't the case with his father. The man couldn't have cared less about Sam. I don't even know why he bothered to show up, other than that maybe he felt like being here gave him some sort of power over Sam. Did you know he kicked Sam out onto the streets when he was sixteen?"

Traci shook her head. "I guess that explains the car parts," she said.

"The what?"

"Charlie Fitzgerald, Sam's old T.O., he told me that the first time he met Sam, he said he was a teenager and he picked him up for fencing stolen car parts," Traci said. "Apparently Sam wasn't going to school, so Charlie cut him a deal that if he straightened up and went back, he'd get rid of the charges."

Andy shook her head and sighed. "You know, I've known Sam Swarek almost four years now, and I think I've learned more about him in the past twelve hours than I have in all that time. How ridiculous is that?" Andy laughed drily. "All that time he was seeing me through so much crap with my parents, and I never bothered to ask about his."

"Do you think he would have told you if you'd asked?"

"I'm not sure," Andy admitted. "But I should have asked. I was his girlfriend, Traci, those are things I should have thought to ask. I know almost nothing about his family or his life before I met him. I should have asked more questions instead of waiting for him to suddenly open up."

"He never told you anything at all?"

"I knew he had an older sister," Andy said. "He told me a couple things about her, back before we were even dating. But I never asked where she was or why he never talked about her or even why she never seemed to come for a visit. And I knew his mom had died when he was a baby, he told me that after we responded to car accident that had killed a woman who had a young child. That's when he told me that was how his mom died, when he was nine months old. Other than those two little things, he never said another word about his family. And now…"

"And now what?" Traci prompted gently as Andy's voice trailed off.

"What if it's too late?" Andy asked quietly. "What if I lost the chance to really know the man that I love?"

"Oh Andy," Traci sighed, gripping her friend's hand tightly. "It's not the details that matter, it's the person. You may not know how he got there, but you know who Sam Swarek is better than anyone else, and that doesn't have a damn thing to do with the details."

"I hope you're right," Andy said. "I hope I'm making the decisions he'd want."

Traci nodded and squeezed Andy's hand again, letting the silence settle over them as they both stared at the wall across the room, waiting for something to happen.

"Excuse me?"

Both women looked up curiously as a timid female voice broke their silent wait.

"I, um, I'm looking for an Andy McNally," the newcomer said, stepping tentatively into the room.

"I'm Andy McNally," Andy said, standing up slowly as she looked the woman up and down.

"Right, um, well, see I called the police after I saw the news and the man I talked to said I should come find you to find out about my brother," she said, carefully avoiding eye contact with Andy or Traci. "I'm Sarah. Sarah Swarek."


	8. Chapter 8

_Sam frowned as he stood in the corner of the waiting room and watched his sister step into the room. It had been more months than he'd care to admit since he'd last seen her, but the change in her physical appearance left him stunned._

_"She looks awful," he commented. "Are you sure she's not using again?"_

_"She's not," Elizabeth assured him. "But you're right, she doesn't look good."_

For her part, Andy found herself momentarily unable to speak as she stood face to face with Sam's older sister, struggling to reconcile this woman in front of her with the mental image of Sarah Swarek she'd formed from the tiny pieces she'd gathered from Sam over the years. She wasn't entirely sure what she'd expected, but whatever it was, the petite blonde she was looking at now, with her sunken cheeks and dark bags under her eyes, was definitely not it.

"You're Sam's sister?" Andy asked in surprise, feeling Traci standing just behind her for support.

Sarah nodded and glanced around the room. "Where is he?" she asked nervously. "On the news, they said he'd been shot, but the guy on the phone wouldn't tell me anything. Where's my brother?"

"He's in surgery," Andy said. "Did you get the messages we left for you? We've been trying to reach you all night."

"Oh, um, no," Sarah said. "I don't where you were calling, but Sammy doesn't have my current number, so I guess it would have been hard to reach me."

"Your brother doesn't have your phone number?" Traci asked skeptically.

"I changed my cell number when I left my husband a few weeks ago," Sarah said. "I haven't had a chance to give Sam the new number. And, uh, well, it's been almost three years since I last saw him."

_"It has not been that long," Sam protested. "A year and a half, maybe two, tops."_

_"I'm afraid your sister's right on this one, sweetheart," Elizabeth said. "It's been three years since you last saw her."_

_Sam shook his head in disbelief. "I tried, Mom," he said. "It's not for a lack of trying to see her."_

"Three years?" Andy asked in shock. "Are you serious?"

"It's a long story," Sarah said, shaking slightly as she slipped into a nearby chair, clutching the strap on her purse like a lifeline. "He's going to be alright, isn't he?"

"We won't know anything until they're done with the surgery," Andy said. "His doctors are good, they're really good, but there are a lot of things that could go wrong. He was in pretty bad shape when they took him in."

"How long has he been in surgery?" Sarah asked.

"About an hour," Andy said. "They said they'd try to have someone update us every hour or so if they could spare someone to come out here."

"If he was shot yesterday, why is he just getting into surgery now?"

"They did operate yesterday," Andy explained, taking a tentative step forward before sitting down next to Sarah. "But it was more than his body could take, so they did what they could and then let his body rest. Now they've gone back in to remove the bullet."

"Did he code last night?" Sarah asked, biting her lip when Andy nodded. "How many times?"

"I think just once," Andy said. "The surgeon was pretty worried about it. Something about lingering effects and increased risks and…"

"They probably defibrillated his heart," Sarah said. "Sending an external electrical current through a muscle isn't exactly something you do if you have another choice. There's a risk of scarring if the dosage was wrong, and if his chest was already open and then had to apply the current directly to the heart, that increases the risk of scarring. And then there's the side effects of the drugs they've probably given him to prevent it from happening again. Cardiac trauma is never good, but if you're looking at putting the heart through the strain of another surgery, it's even worse."

_Sam chuckled as he watched the looks of confusion on Andy and Traci's faces at the sudden change in Sarah's demeanor and confidence. "That's my girl," he said proudly. "She always was good at the medical stuff. I always said she should go back to school."_

_Elizabeth just shook her head and smiled. "She'll find her way," she said knowingly. "Just give her time."_

"You seem to know an awful lot about surgery," Traci said.

Sarah shrugged. "I was in a nursing program at the community college for a little while," she said. "It was a long time ago, but I guess some of it stuck."

"Why didn't you finish?" Andy asked gently.

"It's a long story," Sarah said, glancing down at her hands to avoid looking Andy in the eye. "It's, uh, not really something I want to talk about. Why did they take him into surgery again? If his body wasn't strong enough, why didn't they wait?"

"The bullet was starting to move," Andy said. "It was just a small shift on the last scans they did, but it meant it was probably going to move further. The surgery is risky, but the risks of not operating seemed worse, so I told them to do it."

"_You_ told them?" Sarah asked in surprise.

Andy felt herself redden as she realized that Sarah didn't know about Sam's health directive. "Yeah," she said. "Sam gave me medical power of attorney, if he couldn't make his own decisions."

Sarah frowned and looked as though she were going to say something when the moment was interrupted by the sound of Traci's cell phone. Looking down at it, she sighed and shot Andy an apologetic look.

"I hate to run, but I've got to go rescue Leo from Steve," she said. "Or Steve from Leo…I'm not really sure which way it goes at this point. Call me as soon as he's out of surgery, okay?"

Andy nodded as Traci leaned over, giving her friend a quick hug before hurrying out of the room, leaving the two women alone in the waiting room with an uncomfortable silence hanging over them.

"So, um, who the hell are you, exactly?" Sarah asked bluntly, looking over at Andy after Traci was gone.

"Excuse me?"

"Sammy doesn't trust a whole lot of people, but he's got you making life-and-death decisions for him," Sarah pointed out. "So who are you to him? His girlfriend? His wife? You're certainly more than a random coworker."

"Don't you think you'd know if your brother was married?" Andy questioned.

Sarah scoffed. "Did you miss the part where I haven't taken his calls in over three years?"

"Right," Andy nodded. "Sam and I, we were in a relationship for a while, and now…well, it's complicated."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes," Andy admitted without hesitation. "Yes, I do."

"Good," Sarah said with a quick nod. "That's good."

"You're not upset that he doesn't have a family member making decisions?" Andy asked.

"Only family Sam's got is me and our dad, and I don't think Sam's even talked to Dad in twenty years or so," Sarah said. "And Sammy loves me, I know he does, but it's been a long time since he's trusted me, not that I've given him much reason to. I think I'd be surprised if he hadn't found someone else to take care of that stuff for him."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Thank you all for the awesome reviews on the last chapter! There's still a lot of story left in this one, but I promise, we're getting close to Sam finally waking up!

* * *

"You know, your father was here an hour or two ago," Andy said, drawing a surprised look from Sarah.

"_My_ father?" she asked incredulously. "Why?"

Andy shrugged. "Apparently he saw the same news reports you did. He was upset that no one had called him."

"Yeah, I'm sure," Sarah said, her tone sounding more than skeptical. "Did he even ask about Sam? Or did he just want to know why it wasn't all about him?"

"Um…I'm not sure," Andy said. "I wasn't around for most of the conversation."

"Is he still here?"

"I don't think so," Andy said. "Our commander and another officer had to escort him out. He didn't take well to the idea that Sam hadn't wanted him making his decisions."

"That sounds like my father," Sarah agreed. "It's been a while since I've seen him, but I guess the old man hasn't changed. Not that I'd really expected he would, of course…but a girl can hope."

_"I never understood that," Sam said, quickly shaking his head at his sister's words. "She always tried to see something good in him."_

_"And you didn't?" Elizabeth asked. "Because I seem to recall seeing a certain little boy who would have done anything to earn his father's approval."_

_Sam hesitated. "Maybe when I was a kid," he admitted. "But that was a long time ago, before I knew better. Sarah knows better. She knows he's not going to change."_

_"There's nothing wrong with hope, Sammy," Elizabeth said gently. "You should try it sometime."_

"How long has it been since you've seen him?" Andy asked curiously.

"Not nearly as long as Sam, if that's what you're asking," Sarah said. "It's been about seven years. Actually, I was here the last time I saw him."

"Here?" Andy asked. "As in, at the hospital?"

Sarah nodded. "I'd been here five days before he showed up," she said. "I still don't know how he even knew I was here. I'd forced Sam to go home, take a shower, put on some clean clothes. I was asleep, and when I woke up…it had been eight years since I'd seen him, and suddenly, there he was, telling me the same old story about how I'd failed yet again."

"Failed how?"

Sarah shook her head and looked down at her hands. "No offense, but I just met you, Andy," she said. "Sam may trust you, but I don't know you at all, and that story is one of those things I never even told my husband."

_"God, I hate that word," Sam muttered._

_"Which one?" Elizabeth asked._

_"Husband," Sam said, not bothering to hide his disgust. "The fact that she actually married that good-for-nothing slimy weasel."_

_"Oh, don't sugarcoat it for me, sweetheart. Tell me how you really feel about your brother-in-law."_

_"He treats her like crap, Mom," Sam said. "Like she's a piece of dirt or something. Reminds me of Dad, to be honest. She's so much better than that…she deserves so much better than that."_

_"She made her choice, Sam," Elizabeth said. "I'm not saying that I like him much either, but look at her. Do you really think she's better off with you mad at her?"_

_Sam sighed as he looked at the sad, tired woman who barely resembled the carefree young woman he thought of when he pictured his sister. "I'm not mad at her, Mom," he said. "I'm disappointed, but I've never been mad at her."_

_"It's been three years since you've seen her," Elizabeth reminded him._

_"And it wasn't for a lack of trying," Sam argued. "She didn't want to see me."_

"What was the last thing you said to him?" Sarah asked suddenly, looking over at Andy and breaking the silence that had just started to settle.

"I don't know," Andy admitted. "I've been trying to remember. Earlier in the day, I know I yelled at him. Told him this whole situation was his fault, that if he hadn't been trying to cover for his girlfriend, none of this would have happened."

"Is that true?"

Andy shook her head. "Not really, no. The guy who shot Sam, Kevin Ford, he was trouble even before Marlo went after him. And even if Sam hadn't covered for her, the damage was already done. Ford was crazy, there was no stopping him."

"So was that the last thing you said to him?" Sarah asked.

"No, but it was close," Andy said. "I'm pretty sure the last thing I said to Sam…at least, the last thing before we realized Ford was in the station and all hell broke loose…I'm pretty sure the last thing I said was something along the lines of accusing him of thinking he was bulletproof. Ironic, right?"

Sarah smiled sadly. "That sounds like Sammy."

"How's that?"

"Accuse him of one thing, he goes and does the opposite just to prove you wrong," Sarah said. "He used to do that to me all the time when we were kids. I used to tell him to do one thing just to get him to do the other."

"He hardly ever talks about what his life was like growing up," Andy said. "What was he like as a kid?"

Sarah laughed and shook her head. "Sammy'd kill me for answering that question."

"Oh come on, he's unconscious, how's he going to know?" Andy prompted.

_"I heard that, McNally," Sam muttered from the other side of the room._

_Elizabeth laughed. "Let the girls have their moment, Sam," she said. "Besides, I want to hear what your sister thought of you too."_

"Sam was…I don't know, he was a typical little brother for a while," Sarah said. "He was always hanging around, wanting to be a part of whatever I was doing. Sometimes I'd pretend to be annoyed by him, but I didn't mind. Dad wasn't around much, so it was really just the two of us. Sammy was funny, he was always making me laugh. Everyone loved Sam as a little kid. And then when I was twelve, Dad went to prison for about two years…we went into foster care, and everything changed."

"Sam was in foster care?" Andy asked in surprise.

Sarah nodded. "We were lucky and got to stay together for a while, but Sam was so angry we weren't at home. He was mad at Dad for screwing up and the cops for arresting him and his lawyers for not getting him out and he was taking it out on everybody around him, even me. Eventually, the family we'd been placed with gave up on him and sent us both back, and we got split up for about six months. I think that was when it really all went to hell."

"How so?"

"The family I went to, they weren't great," Sarah said. "There were a lot of foster kids in the home, and not a lot of supervision…and some bad stuff happened to me there."

Andy's eyes widened when she realized that Sarah must be talking about the attack Sam had described to her years ago.

"He never said it, but I know Sam blamed himself," Sarah continued. "I think he had this idea that if he hadn't been acting up, we could have stayed together and nothing bad would have happened. Everything was different after that. I didn't know how to cope with what had happened, and Sam didn't know how to cope with me. He tried so hard to make it better, to make everything like it was before, but there was nothing he could have done. I think he took it as a personal failure that he couldn't fix me."

_"I never wanted to fix her," Sam said defensively. "I just wanted her to be happy again. Really happy, not that fake happy she got when she was using."_

_"People don't always see our actions the way we intend them to," Elizabeth said. "She knows you always loved her, that's the most important part."_


End file.
